Dec 21, 2005

within a few days

Mom: "So you said that you have been stressed out for the whole past year?"
Me: "That’s pretty much it."
Mom: "It’s not being 'stressed out' anymore. You have been depressed."

And I looked at her in bewilderment, partly disbelieving her sharp intuition.

I could only nod, sigh, and hope she would say another of her trademark: spontaneous one-line notes that often hit my mind at unexpected times.
But as usual, she does not speak any further, a wise move to suggest that it is entirely up to me to make my own way.

However, the way I’ve chosen remains to be a deadlock far from satisfying, let alone fulfilling my quench over certainties and some clarity issues.

It has been a few days after I came back from my hometown, and exactly within these few days, I have felt crippled.
I could not bring my mind forward to come up with any writing ideas, and reviewing films seems like an ancient penchant of mine long to be buried under a treasure chest. The plan I had constructed prior to my departure was brutally scraped out and butchered since my bag was stolen exactly ten days ago, barely reaching the second day I stepped my feet on this mind-puzzling city.

What I did not realize was how much impact the incident affected my life, until now.

The seemingly perfect mapped-out plans did not work out at all, and I am still stranded homeless and jobless in this city. My savings were gone along with the bag, and the precious notebook which had become my faithful companion for the past few months has been missing its real owner, without having any idea about its whereabout.
Each and every single day, I had to occupy myself with some made-up activities which still translate as the unproductive kind.

I hit my own rock bottom.

I have to come up alone, and the path up is too steep to climb.

Still, mom does not talk about it any further, and prefers to concentrate on her son gaining more weight.

Mom, I need a weighty life.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know it's easy to say Val, however, as a friend I strongly suggested that you should put in mind that your power is not washed away with your long lost bag; the power is IN YOU my dear friend, and not one thief on the face of planet earth can take that away!

Anonymous said...

This probably makes me look like a fatalist, but I'm one of those who truly believe that everything happens for a reason. And -- as cliche as it may sound -- a closed door often takes you to another open door. Days may look gloomy, your future unclear, but hang on there and never lose hopes, as you still have that little but powerful brain and numerous knowledge and family and friends who support you. you just need to keep your spirit high! :)

Anonymous said...

I cannot offer you more than a comforting (virtual) hug at the moment. It's a roller coaster life we are in, and there will be time when we're up. Be tough !

Mel said...

you're tougher than you think you are, Pal..
you're stronger.
if it was me I'm probably on my way back to Singapore right now, crawling to my comfort zone, where the only crime I'm used to is when someone cut my queue.

hangin' there bro'

and if you need anything, just howl at me like usual ;)

Sunny said...

Hey, why don't u start from gaining ur weight, Val? It's fun, you know. Take this simple advice from somone currently in strichtly diet and desperatedly longing for any food made from noodles, and... RICE!

=))

Ah, Nauval. I know, maybe all you need is more than just comforting words from ur surroundings, but what the heck, I'll add one more word to make u sure that eventho' u seem to be chosen to take part in the prequel of Lemony Snicket's The Series of Unfortunate Events, u still got something precious, like people who trully genuinely care about u, virtually or not. And I know u got so many of them.

Memento said...

hang in there...

changes and incidents can extremely suck sometimes, whether they're planned or unplanned. but good things are about, if you know where to look.. and based on your posts, i know (and you know that) you've got people around you to help you search when you are/feel lost.

these words come from a sceptical positivist (if there's such phrase). happy holidays! :)

guario said...

Your mother is absolutely right! You need to gain weight;). Fat people usually more hapy than skinny ones. So, EAT!

dodY said...

wis, mangan ae! mengko katene lapo dipikir mengko wae :-)

Morningdew said...

Pal, shout if you need anything, okay? Nothing lasts forever, including misery.

famousfeline said...

Some people are just born skinny, some people are just born fat, some people are just born in-between.

I'm not a scientist, but I know about three types of body that is called ectomorph (skinny), endomorph (big), and mezzomorph (in-between).

As long as you're healthy, I don't see why there should be a problem.

I'm skinny, happy, and a supermodel. Okay, scratch out the third.

*thanks for the lunch!*

*happy mother's day!*

Anonymous said...

where on earth are you?? are you still in spore?

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A film festival manager. A writer. An avid moviegoer. An editor. An aspiring culinary fan. A man.