Staging Life, or a Stagey Life?

Ready. Lights. Action!

Or more like, Just Do It?!

Whatever it is, let's start.

This is me, my piece of thoughts scattered around your viewing space.
Everyday, everytime, I play a different role that I present on different stages of the same atmosphere of a breathing life.
One thing separates me from an amateur performer: Never comes across to my mind to unmask the mask.
This mask, that I am touching now through the tips of my fingers to feel the skin reveling inside every single pore, keeps getting thicker, fuller, and heavier everytime as it constantly adds on with dirt, splash of water, powder, spits, slaps, punch, kiss, and whisper.

I breathe heavily when I am about to give my wide smile while my eyelids start getting shut and I can sense my wrinkles lining around my face.
I stare blankly at whatever things present when I am about to fight every single drop of tears falling down across my face, and my mouth, it could only open widely in an expression full of amazement.

"...this is my way, bear with it/you don't wanna get hurt knowing it ... my departure/is meant to make you relieved..."

My lips are moving and they say: I am sorry.

Satu Babak.

...
Kamu tersenyum. Padaku? Kenapa aku?

"You know what, you've one of the nicest smiles around."
"Me? Hahahaha! C'mon, what are you trying to say?"
"Really, I ... Yeah, I guess that was a lie!"

Maafkan aku tak bisa membalas senyummu.

Seandainya kamu tahu apa yang ada di pikiranku saat ini.
Seandainya kamu tidak beranjak pergi di satu pagi.
Seandainya kamu lebih punya hati.

"If only you don't have to say it ..."
"But I've to! I want to show you ..."
"Like I want to know what you want to show!"
"And keep walking away from reality!"
"Because I'm not looking for reality with you!"
"You worship me ..."
"As how it is in my dream."

Beri aku satu pertanda apakah aku harus tersenyum padamu.
Apakah kamu berharap satu balasan setimpal dari aku?
Ataukah aku harus bersikap mengasihanimu?

Seandainya aku bisa melangkah lebih jauh lagi.
Seandainya aku tidak tersendat dalam alunan nada kenyamanan.
Seandainya aku tidak pernah mengenalmu.

Seandainya aku tidak pernah berdiri disini.
....

(nyontek Yuka-B)

In One's Skin

To be able to step into someone else's skin and comfortably walk around with it.

To be able to create a certain existence of somewhat a creature whom we, his fellow human being, are breathing and injecting lives to that soulless piece. In short, it's a matter of playing God.

To be able to setup a world on its own without necessarily imitating any existing atmospheres, because after all, this world will not speak any sound of compromisation to regulations.

"... and as I departed/I only took what I needed/I guess I've changed my address ..."
(Diana Krall - I've Changed My Address)

To be able to imagine and dream of putting ourselves in a land of impossibilites and carefully tip-toeing along the greener grass so not to get drowned.

This is my oasis.

Tuhan, it's me.

Tuhan,
kapan ya gue bisa berterimakasih lagi secara tulus?

Koq tiap kali gue terduduk bersimbah peluh menghadap hadirat-Mu
hanya keluh kesah yang muncul?
Padahal semua datang dari Maha Kuasa-Mu yang gue ngga ngerti dan ga tahu,
dan betapa sangat tahunya diri-Mu akan rasa penasaranku yang menggebu,
sesekali tak terbendung meskipun semua itu bukannya bikin aku jadi terharu,
malahan menjauh!

Tuhan,
mungkin aku yang mengulur waktu supaya selalu ada alasan-alasan semu,
maklum Tuhan, mentalku mental manusia semata yang maen borongan buat semuanya aja
demi alasan efektifitas dan efisiensi yang seringnya malah jadi bumerang!

Tuhan,
padahal yang aku dan umat-Mu ingin sampaikan adalah,
terima kasih.
Dan berat sekali untuk menghaturkan perasaan pengakuan akan kedigdayaan-Mu ini,
ada sekeping ketidakrelaan kalau ego harus tertunduk terdiam terhenyak dan terpasrah.

Tuhan,
Terima kasih untuk hidup.

Matur nuwun sanget.

Sh*t Happens, but Why Does It Have to be Me?

By any means, I don't want to promote myself as one of those so-called pyschological writer whom we always long to yell "You think you know more than I do???!?!?!".

But really, ask yourself, how many times have you questioned this to yourself? I just did, in fact, it's been hanging on my mind for the past 48 hours. And let me tell ya, it ain't easy to get rid of this ridiculous thought.

At least I know it's ridiculous, though. It's a matter of time before we can walk feeling freely again, no matter how long it's gonna take. Make it short, please! Yeah, you wish, dear!

Oh, how we can get overtly sensitive, prompting to be more and more insecure with what's left in us, and shouldn't be life going on, no matter what? Gimme a break, I need time to mourn over this.

Welcome to the real world, you can't stop the world from spinning just to feel your grievance.
I remember the scene from King Vidor's The Crowd, a very powerful silent film, in which the main character tries to silence the world outside his small apartment as his only adorable son passed away. But what do those people care? Cars keep on moving, people keep on walking, and he keeps on crying. Indeed, it won't be fair if the world has to cease its breathing for even a little while.

Again, a mere nothing of utterance here won't help curing this world's ill-fated crimes. But to be able to unlock what's kept on your feeling, what can we ask more? ;)

As I am sitting here staring at this monitor AND being taken to a haunting world of Chet Baker's rhythm, one can only wonder how badly damaged he was. Credits to those life-threatening consumption he had indulged himself into, he became a living witness of the extent how drugs can ruin your being. Such a maestro, such a master, such an inseparable part of jazz himself, fortunately his creation and works remains a collection of masterpieces.
Listening to him it's like giving yourself an ear to hear your deepest soul.

Cukup jelas,
aku bosan jadi pelacur.

Karena melacur bukan berarti enak-enak makan kue cucur,
yang ada malah lelah letih keringat mengucur.

Capek lho jadi pelacur!
Strike a pose, stand up straight, shake your butt, chin up, all polished from head to toe,
Untuk hal yang orang bilang tabu.

But we do it!
Soalnya kita perlu duit.
And that's the solely reason we can live with.

Ah, melacur ...
Berarti aku harus terus menerus berguling dalam alam kelabu
In a fine line between both extremes
of knowing and not knowing
Apa yang gue lacurin ini.

Melacur, berarti aku harus mencari tahu
Apakah ini yang aku gumuli untuk mencari kesenangan semu
Atau apakah ini yang aku tempuh dalam hidup
Agar nasib bisa diadu
Dan cinta bisa berlabuh

Gila!
Seumur hidup gue bakal jadi pelacur dong!
Mengemis mengais meringis menangis menahan perih

Tapi nyaman juga,
Sampai saat ini aku masih merasa secure jadi pelacur.

"lihat dirimu/semakin jauh mengayuh/lewati segala tujuan hidup yang mungkin kau tempuh"

Like that docu-style of interview in The Motorcycle Diaries that I dismiss, me and Zeff can only say: "I find it disrupting the enjoyment of watching the film, I don't like it, but then, I can't think of any other ways to do it, it's necessary to be there."

In the end, it's the emotional experience that you remember most, not the facts and the details.

As my indulgence towards gogglebox has drastically been decreasing ever since I stepped my feet on to a new realm of era half a decade ago, a few shows actually manage to pull off their consistency in making themselves compelling to watch, creating a sense of necessity not to miss them. One of those is Inside the Actors Studio, hosted by James Lipton, and a few minutes ago Arts Central broadcasted the episode with Juliette Binoche sitting on the red chair.
Skip the duh!-everybody-knows-it fact that she has proven herself to be a consummate artist all these years with towering body of works no other actors would ever attempt to imitate, something took me aback when she recalled the experience of making Bleu from Kryzstof Kieslowski's Three Colors Trilogy and Anthony Minghella's The English Patient.

She cried.

She blurted her words out and tears just started flowing from her bright wide eyes.

Now, I wonder if you've seen both films, but if you have, I'd rest my case if you told me that you were not taken to a state of emotional upheaval when you watch Bleu and transported to a rollercoaster ride of heartwrenching feeling in The English Patient. Was she wonderful in both films? Can't argue on this. Was she good? I can only challenge you to come up with better queries. Was she emotionally involved in her characters? Yes, she was, or I'd say, she still is.

It's the kind of life that we always long for, to engage ourselves fully in whatever we are doing and we are walking through. When we give our whole mind and soul completely, wouldn't a single exhale brings an air of relief to purify the inner self? Yet, fear rules. Fear of losing what's not meant to be kept. Fear of rejecting what's not supposed to be accepted. Constant fear of insecurities that prevents this God-made creature to walk beyond the grey area. And we keep the fear, masking it by turning that into obsession over tangible-aziation of everything, both sides.

Yet, we turn away from the emotional calling.

Whatever I'm rumbling about tonight, let's have our mind open and always ready to fill it in with wonders of the life. Don't make an attempt to prevent them, after all, I'd give my outer existence to filter 'em for me.

When he was about to hang up the phone, he said, "Selamat merenung ya pak!".


Merenung? I just awoke from my delayed deep sleep due to the continuous buzz of incoming text messages on my mobile.


But what came afterwards was much more than the process of 'merenung' or what I'd like to describe it as 'taking as much time as you need to sit back, think of what you've been doing'. It was a matter of taking decisions, a time when you are no longer able to walk in the grey area.


Yes. Can you? Why?! OK, but ... Wait! What if ...?


If love flows like a river, will you let yourself drowned?
If tip-toeing through the fine line of in-between helps you avoiding constant constipation of a structured relationship, will you do it for the rest of your life and keep covering yourself from the glaring heat of reality?
If distance is shortened, will it make things easier to handle and guarantee you that things will work well like the way both of you want it to be?
If one's wish fails to fulfill the desire of other party, which one to push, and how you decide which?


Sejuta pertanyaan untuk cinta yang sebenernya ga pernah terjawabkan dalam suatu bentuk kepastian karena cinta ... Bukankah ia akan selalu berevolusi, berkembangbiak, berakar, berpindah, berlabuh, berteduh, beranjak, bertapa, bermain, beraduan, berapa banyak lagi yang harus terungkap?


"yang kumau/ada dirimu/tapi tak begini keadaannya/yang kumau selalu denganmu/jika Tuhan mau begini/robahlah semua jadi yang kumau/karena kuingin semua berjalan/seperti yang kumau"- KD 'Yang Kumau'

Friday!
What's so fascinating about this particular day, compared to any other day in a week? It's a gate to another weekend where you can chill out, relax, free yourself from boundaries and stress you've gone through from Monday to ... Friday?

Enough about the mumble rumble of nothing, today, or rather this weekend, is gonna be the very last time Regent Heights Tower A #18-02 occupied by some very cute yet inspiring and intelligent people who have come and gone to this place. Boleh dong promosi diri sendiri :p
Yah, tempat inilah dimana taun lalu gw mulai mendamparkan diri gw untuk mengadu nasib dan keberuntungan. Di tempat ini pula lah gw ketawa, menangis, berbagi gosip dan merasakan gosip, being in the middle of some 'uncomfortable, continuous confrontation', kenal Imesh (ah! love you, Cint! and all those plastic bags :P) masakin sahur for like 20 consecutive days, sudden invasion tiap malem minggu yang maen PS ato nonton bola, hahahaah ...
Dari kamar Wenny, ke kamar Dendry, numpang di kamar Dendry ama Ata, gw keluar pindah ke Holland Village, Inad keluar ke Guilin View, Ute masuk, and finally, bubye ...
Truly gonna miss this beautiful, fun and meaningful home.

 

Relaunch? Revamp? Republish? Redo? Or simply a makeover? Whatever you may call it, I guess I've found myself back to the good old habit of writing, posting, commenting, bitching, criticizing, but more importantly, appreciating finest things in life. Be it simply indulging yourself over jazz standards by Ella or Sarah while sipping your hot chocolate in a breezy, rainy Saturday afternoon and you lean yourself over your lov-ah! (have I said enough about my ideal way to leisurely spend my Saturday afternoon here? :)), or doing anything that you're comfortable with, just close your eyes, take a deep breath, release it slowly, and tell yourself how lucky you are today.

Darling was indeed a darling, just finished watching it a few hours ago, and the presence of Julie Christie still occupying my mind. Ah, the good ol' swinging era of '60s ... Funny how 'conventional' (by today's standard) the way they dress up, yet they were able to express their minds freely, in a matter of jazz, or classic rock-'n-roll ....