Guilty and Pleasure.

Now, if you combine those two words, ga perlu dijelasin lagi apa maknanya, but sometimes I find it funny how one can draw inspiration from what seemingly to be a corny, to some extent irritating, product, be it our encounters in film, arts, advertisement, food!, books, so many other indulgences whereby you can just dip yourself deep into it, and you're fine with that!
I myself can't help it sometimes to hum cheesy melancholy songs, or liking bad-review flicks, or drolling myself over Swensen's ice cream, but hey, they are sparks of life!

Again, what I'm gonna write will have nothing to do with all of them.

It's just an interesting piece of a phone conversation last nite.

...
"Satu pertanyaan terakhir sebelum tutup nih!"
"Apa?"
"Well, I don't know, this is some kind of question that a 15-year-old teenage girl would ask actually ..."
"Hahahaahah .. Emang apaan?"
"I don't know ... Do you think I am a bad person?"
"No! Big No! Capital NO!"
"Please ... "
"Hey, look at the way you are doing now despite what we've been through, you know ... Gak semua orang bisa kaya gini ..."
"Well, thanks, but it's not like a post-relationship, what about pre, and while in a relationship itself ... "
"Bentar .. bentar! Pernah nonton pelemnya Antonio Banderas itu ngga, yang di perkebunan ..."
"Antonio Banderas? Perkebunan? Apaan??"
"Aduh .. itu .. yang ama Angelina Jolie!"
"Ooohh .. "Original Sin"!" (dalam hati penulis: goodness! that horrible flick that I don't bother to waste my time?)
"Iya! Gue inget disitu dia bilang bedanya love ama lust. Love means the ability to sacrifice yourself with what you have, sementara Lust berarti elo mau merampas apa yang dimiliki orang laen itu demi kepentingan elo. Dan elo udah melakukan yang pertama. Elo udah berkorban banyak dulu ... (sensor!) ... elo udah mau nerima kenyataan, bisa move on sampe sekarang, dan gue bisa bilang kalo elo udah pernah merasakan love itu."
(terdiam)
"I don't know. Mungkin belum cukup."
...

Aku lupa bilang terima kasih semalam.

- to the paranoid one with such an undecisive manner which has become an inseparable part of my life-cyle, I dedicate Bic Runga's Sway -

Bastards out of Carolina

If you happen to be familiar with the title of this mini-series (or TV movie?), well, I've to tell you that I've come across this title before, yet I haven't seen it. So don't attempt to initiate any discussion about this flick as I will reply you with a blank stare of 'i-have-no-idea'. It just came across my mind when at the wee hours of this morning, me and my friends were in a long conversation about, what else, bastards.

Those unreachable people equipped with certain qualities that will melt your ego down, charming as they may seem with their gorgeous presence or intelligence, and the "best" part is that they KNOW they have all those enviable qualities, thus leads them to use 'em whenever they feel like using.

But, we are lured to them. We fall under their spells, several times.

Why? Do we like to be hurt? Do we always want to experience being dumped all over again? Is it what they call as 'human nature' for one has secretly always wished to be tortured? Or, the basic instinct to fight for the unreachable ones?

Another piece of thought that came up this morning is simply the fact that we are born with those urges. Heck, even when the ovum is about to receive the sperm, she's looking for the one that fights most!

Oh dear ...

Well, back to the world of human being existence in the world, I was once attracted to this bastard as well, only to find that the memory of bad break-up, hatred and disposition lingers vividly until now.
Gee, who are these people with such a strong, haunting presence?

-- tracks from OST - Grace of My Heart accompanies this writing --

If

Do we tend to aim for something unreachable?
Do we keep increasing our set or level of expectation?
Do we find satisfaction when we have a fling with what we long for?
Do we dare trying?

If only I knew what it's like to be for once.
If only I could scratch my existence to make it unknown and unidentifiable.
If only I would bring this whole comfortability up one more step to a state of fixture.
If only I blew it up, and run away from reality!

You are there to give a thrill for that chilly day. I won't be.

Seaview dan Bangku Biru

(Kalo ini jadi kepublish, inilah tulisan tercepet yang pernah gue bikin karena gue lagi rushing to a job interview! Ganbatte!)

Alkisah dulu, di kampus NUS, tempat pertama gue menginjakkan kaki ke dunia Singapore, gue dan teman-teman tercinta penghuni Arts Faculty dan sekitarnya (biar yg kuliah di SOC, Engineering ato Science ga marah! huh!) punya kebiasaan yang bisa dibilang buruk dan baik, yaitu lunch berjam-jam di kantin Arts Faculty yang dengan seenakjidatnya kita namain Seaview. Karena? Dari satu sudut kita bisa ngeliatin pelabuhan Singapura yang benernya gak deket banget, tapi bisa lah ngeliatin kapal-kapalnya, plus balon StarHub yang sekarang udah ilang! Jadi bukan pelabuhannya yang kita lihat, tapi imajinasi kita tentang pelabuhan yang secuil di mata itulah yang membuat kita ngerasa lagi makan di pinggir lautan, dengan angin sepoi-sepoi bersama temen-temen saling ngobrol, tuker gosip, duduk leyeh-leyeh as if we had all the time in the world.

Kemaren gue napak tilas lagi ama Anoe makan siang disitu.
Ngga banyak yang berubah. Auntie yang jual Yong Tau Foo & juice drinks masih tetep, Uncle yang jagain minuman masih tetep, tapi makanan vegetarian dah ganti pemiliknya. Masih ngeliatin antrian panjang di jam makan siang, masih ngeliatin buku dan laptop di meja-meja.
Yang berubah cuman orang-orangnya. Satu dua orang saja yang kita tau, sebatas kecurigaan kita yang seperti, "Eh! Si bapak itu koq masih ada disini, emang dia ngambil honors?", dan tentunya, "Gile loe, Cap! Sekarang dah jadi tutor ginih!". Hohohoho, congrats ya, Kecap!

Kami pun berubah. Ngeliatin mereka, ngeliatin kami yang lagi pengangguran, hahahahaha! Obrolan yang ada pun berubah, gue rasa, ngga tau kalo elo, Noe'. Mungkin some things have to remain as what they are. Nostalgia biarlah tetap jadi nostalgia, kalo kita revisit the experience, tak akan ada yang sama lagi, karena bag of emotional experience yang kita punya sekarang sudah semakin bertambah.

Gitu juga dengan bangku biru di atas Forum (yang terasa aneh tanpa bangku-bangku bertebaran) tempat dimana gue pernah belajar sambil nunggu waktu buka puasa, tempat nongkrong dikala males ikut kuliah, tapi karena ga dapet tempat duduk kemaren, akhirnya napak tilas kita berakhir di bangku-bangku taman belakang yang, kata orang, dinamain Lover's Park.
Duduklah kami ...
Sambil ngeliatin renovasi lift kapsul ga penting banget, jelek pula!
Sambil ngeliatin Grinning Gecko yang masih exist.
Sambil ngeliatin ato tepatnya mergokin sepasang couple sama-sama baju putih yang nyaris kejatuhan bangku gara-gara sok mau berduaan padahal udah tau ih kalo bangku di taman ini pada miring-miring! Hihihihih!
Sambil ngeliatin snack full of sinful indulgence di meja kami.
Sambil menghela nafas meneduhkan pikiran pada angin senjakala.

Sampai akhirnya beranjaklah kami menuju kehidupan masing-masing.

No matter how my life has turned upside down ever since I stepped on my feet to you, NUS, elo adalah rumah pertama gue disini.

(kini harus aku lewati/sepi hariku/tanpa dirimu lagi/biarkan kini kuberdiri/melawan waktu/tuk melupakanmu/walau pedih hati/namun aku bertahan -- intermezzo)

Staging Life, or a Stagey Life?

Ready. Lights. Action!

Or more like, Just Do It?!

Whatever it is, let's start.

This is me, my piece of thoughts scattered around your viewing space.
Everyday, everytime, I play a different role that I present on different stages of the same atmosphere of a breathing life.
One thing separates me from an amateur performer: Never comes across to my mind to unmask the mask.
This mask, that I am touching now through the tips of my fingers to feel the skin reveling inside every single pore, keeps getting thicker, fuller, and heavier everytime as it constantly adds on with dirt, splash of water, powder, spits, slaps, punch, kiss, and whisper.

I breathe heavily when I am about to give my wide smile while my eyelids start getting shut and I can sense my wrinkles lining around my face.
I stare blankly at whatever things present when I am about to fight every single drop of tears falling down across my face, and my mouth, it could only open widely in an expression full of amazement.

"...this is my way, bear with it/you don't wanna get hurt knowing it ... my departure/is meant to make you relieved..."

My lips are moving and they say: I am sorry.

Satu Babak.

...
Kamu tersenyum. Padaku? Kenapa aku?

"You know what, you've one of the nicest smiles around."
"Me? Hahahaha! C'mon, what are you trying to say?"
"Really, I ... Yeah, I guess that was a lie!"

Maafkan aku tak bisa membalas senyummu.

Seandainya kamu tahu apa yang ada di pikiranku saat ini.
Seandainya kamu tidak beranjak pergi di satu pagi.
Seandainya kamu lebih punya hati.

"If only you don't have to say it ..."
"But I've to! I want to show you ..."
"Like I want to know what you want to show!"
"And keep walking away from reality!"
"Because I'm not looking for reality with you!"
"You worship me ..."
"As how it is in my dream."

Beri aku satu pertanda apakah aku harus tersenyum padamu.
Apakah kamu berharap satu balasan setimpal dari aku?
Ataukah aku harus bersikap mengasihanimu?

Seandainya aku bisa melangkah lebih jauh lagi.
Seandainya aku tidak tersendat dalam alunan nada kenyamanan.
Seandainya aku tidak pernah mengenalmu.

Seandainya aku tidak pernah berdiri disini.
....

(nyontek Yuka-B)

In One's Skin

To be able to step into someone else's skin and comfortably walk around with it.

To be able to create a certain existence of somewhat a creature whom we, his fellow human being, are breathing and injecting lives to that soulless piece. In short, it's a matter of playing God.

To be able to setup a world on its own without necessarily imitating any existing atmospheres, because after all, this world will not speak any sound of compromisation to regulations.

"... and as I departed/I only took what I needed/I guess I've changed my address ..."
(Diana Krall - I've Changed My Address)

To be able to imagine and dream of putting ourselves in a land of impossibilites and carefully tip-toeing along the greener grass so not to get drowned.

This is my oasis.

Tuhan, it's me.

Tuhan,
kapan ya gue bisa berterimakasih lagi secara tulus?

Koq tiap kali gue terduduk bersimbah peluh menghadap hadirat-Mu
hanya keluh kesah yang muncul?
Padahal semua datang dari Maha Kuasa-Mu yang gue ngga ngerti dan ga tahu,
dan betapa sangat tahunya diri-Mu akan rasa penasaranku yang menggebu,
sesekali tak terbendung meskipun semua itu bukannya bikin aku jadi terharu,
malahan menjauh!

Tuhan,
mungkin aku yang mengulur waktu supaya selalu ada alasan-alasan semu,
maklum Tuhan, mentalku mental manusia semata yang maen borongan buat semuanya aja
demi alasan efektifitas dan efisiensi yang seringnya malah jadi bumerang!

Tuhan,
padahal yang aku dan umat-Mu ingin sampaikan adalah,
terima kasih.
Dan berat sekali untuk menghaturkan perasaan pengakuan akan kedigdayaan-Mu ini,
ada sekeping ketidakrelaan kalau ego harus tertunduk terdiam terhenyak dan terpasrah.

Tuhan,
Terima kasih untuk hidup.

Matur nuwun sanget.

Sh*t Happens, but Why Does It Have to be Me?

By any means, I don't want to promote myself as one of those so-called pyschological writer whom we always long to yell "You think you know more than I do???!?!?!".

But really, ask yourself, how many times have you questioned this to yourself? I just did, in fact, it's been hanging on my mind for the past 48 hours. And let me tell ya, it ain't easy to get rid of this ridiculous thought.

At least I know it's ridiculous, though. It's a matter of time before we can walk feeling freely again, no matter how long it's gonna take. Make it short, please! Yeah, you wish, dear!

Oh, how we can get overtly sensitive, prompting to be more and more insecure with what's left in us, and shouldn't be life going on, no matter what? Gimme a break, I need time to mourn over this.

Welcome to the real world, you can't stop the world from spinning just to feel your grievance.
I remember the scene from King Vidor's The Crowd, a very powerful silent film, in which the main character tries to silence the world outside his small apartment as his only adorable son passed away. But what do those people care? Cars keep on moving, people keep on walking, and he keeps on crying. Indeed, it won't be fair if the world has to cease its breathing for even a little while.

Again, a mere nothing of utterance here won't help curing this world's ill-fated crimes. But to be able to unlock what's kept on your feeling, what can we ask more? ;)