As I am sitting here staring at this monitor AND being taken to a haunting world of Chet Baker's rhythm, one can only wonder how badly damaged he was. Credits to those life-threatening consumption he had indulged himself into, he became a living witness of the extent how drugs can ruin your being. Such a maestro, such a master, such an inseparable part of jazz himself, fortunately his creation and works remains a collection of masterpieces.
Listening to him it's like giving yourself an ear to hear your deepest soul.

Cukup jelas,
aku bosan jadi pelacur.

Karena melacur bukan berarti enak-enak makan kue cucur,
yang ada malah lelah letih keringat mengucur.

Capek lho jadi pelacur!
Strike a pose, stand up straight, shake your butt, chin up, all polished from head to toe,
Untuk hal yang orang bilang tabu.

But we do it!
Soalnya kita perlu duit.
And that's the solely reason we can live with.

Ah, melacur ...
Berarti aku harus terus menerus berguling dalam alam kelabu
In a fine line between both extremes
of knowing and not knowing
Apa yang gue lacurin ini.

Melacur, berarti aku harus mencari tahu
Apakah ini yang aku gumuli untuk mencari kesenangan semu
Atau apakah ini yang aku tempuh dalam hidup
Agar nasib bisa diadu
Dan cinta bisa berlabuh

Gila!
Seumur hidup gue bakal jadi pelacur dong!
Mengemis mengais meringis menangis menahan perih

Tapi nyaman juga,
Sampai saat ini aku masih merasa secure jadi pelacur.

"lihat dirimu/semakin jauh mengayuh/lewati segala tujuan hidup yang mungkin kau tempuh"

Like that docu-style of interview in The Motorcycle Diaries that I dismiss, me and Zeff can only say: "I find it disrupting the enjoyment of watching the film, I don't like it, but then, I can't think of any other ways to do it, it's necessary to be there."

In the end, it's the emotional experience that you remember most, not the facts and the details.

As my indulgence towards gogglebox has drastically been decreasing ever since I stepped my feet on to a new realm of era half a decade ago, a few shows actually manage to pull off their consistency in making themselves compelling to watch, creating a sense of necessity not to miss them. One of those is Inside the Actors Studio, hosted by James Lipton, and a few minutes ago Arts Central broadcasted the episode with Juliette Binoche sitting on the red chair.
Skip the duh!-everybody-knows-it fact that she has proven herself to be a consummate artist all these years with towering body of works no other actors would ever attempt to imitate, something took me aback when she recalled the experience of making Bleu from Kryzstof Kieslowski's Three Colors Trilogy and Anthony Minghella's The English Patient.

She cried.

She blurted her words out and tears just started flowing from her bright wide eyes.

Now, I wonder if you've seen both films, but if you have, I'd rest my case if you told me that you were not taken to a state of emotional upheaval when you watch Bleu and transported to a rollercoaster ride of heartwrenching feeling in The English Patient. Was she wonderful in both films? Can't argue on this. Was she good? I can only challenge you to come up with better queries. Was she emotionally involved in her characters? Yes, she was, or I'd say, she still is.

It's the kind of life that we always long for, to engage ourselves fully in whatever we are doing and we are walking through. When we give our whole mind and soul completely, wouldn't a single exhale brings an air of relief to purify the inner self? Yet, fear rules. Fear of losing what's not meant to be kept. Fear of rejecting what's not supposed to be accepted. Constant fear of insecurities that prevents this God-made creature to walk beyond the grey area. And we keep the fear, masking it by turning that into obsession over tangible-aziation of everything, both sides.

Yet, we turn away from the emotional calling.

Whatever I'm rumbling about tonight, let's have our mind open and always ready to fill it in with wonders of the life. Don't make an attempt to prevent them, after all, I'd give my outer existence to filter 'em for me.

When he was about to hang up the phone, he said, "Selamat merenung ya pak!".


Merenung? I just awoke from my delayed deep sleep due to the continuous buzz of incoming text messages on my mobile.


But what came afterwards was much more than the process of 'merenung' or what I'd like to describe it as 'taking as much time as you need to sit back, think of what you've been doing'. It was a matter of taking decisions, a time when you are no longer able to walk in the grey area.


Yes. Can you? Why?! OK, but ... Wait! What if ...?


If love flows like a river, will you let yourself drowned?
If tip-toeing through the fine line of in-between helps you avoiding constant constipation of a structured relationship, will you do it for the rest of your life and keep covering yourself from the glaring heat of reality?
If distance is shortened, will it make things easier to handle and guarantee you that things will work well like the way both of you want it to be?
If one's wish fails to fulfill the desire of other party, which one to push, and how you decide which?


Sejuta pertanyaan untuk cinta yang sebenernya ga pernah terjawabkan dalam suatu bentuk kepastian karena cinta ... Bukankah ia akan selalu berevolusi, berkembangbiak, berakar, berpindah, berlabuh, berteduh, beranjak, bertapa, bermain, beraduan, berapa banyak lagi yang harus terungkap?


"yang kumau/ada dirimu/tapi tak begini keadaannya/yang kumau selalu denganmu/jika Tuhan mau begini/robahlah semua jadi yang kumau/karena kuingin semua berjalan/seperti yang kumau"- KD 'Yang Kumau'

Friday!
What's so fascinating about this particular day, compared to any other day in a week? It's a gate to another weekend where you can chill out, relax, free yourself from boundaries and stress you've gone through from Monday to ... Friday?

Enough about the mumble rumble of nothing, today, or rather this weekend, is gonna be the very last time Regent Heights Tower A #18-02 occupied by some very cute yet inspiring and intelligent people who have come and gone to this place. Boleh dong promosi diri sendiri :p
Yah, tempat inilah dimana taun lalu gw mulai mendamparkan diri gw untuk mengadu nasib dan keberuntungan. Di tempat ini pula lah gw ketawa, menangis, berbagi gosip dan merasakan gosip, being in the middle of some 'uncomfortable, continuous confrontation', kenal Imesh (ah! love you, Cint! and all those plastic bags :P) masakin sahur for like 20 consecutive days, sudden invasion tiap malem minggu yang maen PS ato nonton bola, hahahaah ...
Dari kamar Wenny, ke kamar Dendry, numpang di kamar Dendry ama Ata, gw keluar pindah ke Holland Village, Inad keluar ke Guilin View, Ute masuk, and finally, bubye ...
Truly gonna miss this beautiful, fun and meaningful home.

 

Relaunch? Revamp? Republish? Redo? Or simply a makeover? Whatever you may call it, I guess I've found myself back to the good old habit of writing, posting, commenting, bitching, criticizing, but more importantly, appreciating finest things in life. Be it simply indulging yourself over jazz standards by Ella or Sarah while sipping your hot chocolate in a breezy, rainy Saturday afternoon and you lean yourself over your lov-ah! (have I said enough about my ideal way to leisurely spend my Saturday afternoon here? :)), or doing anything that you're comfortable with, just close your eyes, take a deep breath, release it slowly, and tell yourself how lucky you are today.

Darling was indeed a darling, just finished watching it a few hours ago, and the presence of Julie Christie still occupying my mind. Ah, the good ol' swinging era of '60s ... Funny how 'conventional' (by today's standard) the way they dress up, yet they were able to express their minds freely, in a matter of jazz, or classic rock-'n-roll ....

Ola! I've been away for quite some time, but really, nothing much to tell, except ... well ... if you've seen my MSN nickname (it's dizay_lavuan@hotmail.com by the way), you'll have an idea why ;=).

Anyway, people have been asking me about the current nickname, whether it is taken from a song, a poem or any other inspirational material (ha! inspirational? more like plagiatory resource! hahahahaha ...).
It is taken from a track found in this famous Indonesian band's latest album, "positive+POSITIVE" by POTRET, you know, the one w/ Melly and Anto Hoed, and Aksan Sjuman, DEWA's ex-drummer.
The song is called Ketika Cinta Itu Hilang (do I need to bother translating here? yay, OK, before you accuse me of anything, it's loosely translated as After The Love is Gone ... and it's not that Earth Wind and Fire's jazzy song!).
I'm not an expert in defining music and emotional feeling (Nick Hornby already does that superbly in his 31 Songs, a must-read for music lovers and pop-lit everywhere!), but I feel this song belongs to one of the greatest break-up and brokenhearted songs ever! Let's see if you find yourself in agreement w/ me on this ...



KETIKA CINTA ITU HILANG (Melly Goeslaw)


Bulan dan tahun berganti / Kasih ini tak pernah meluntur
Walau jenuh pasti ada / Dalam cinta kalahkan semua
Namun kini lain / Kau tak lagi setia / Dimana cintamu, hilangkah ???

Sedikit demi sedikit / Rasa cinta ini hilang juga
Melihat raut wajahmu / Seperti melihat sampah busuk
Kau mengkhianati / Cintaku yang murni / Kau tidur dengannya, mengapa?!?

Namun mengapa sedih ini tak berlarut-larut
Mungkinkah memang aku / Mengharapkan semua ini memang terjadi
Oh, ketika cinta itu hilang dan punah / Rasaku pun melega
Ada harapan baru / Mendapat cinta baru, tak mengapa

Ketika cinta menghilang / Dalam diri dan hati bersyukur
Ternyata di lubuk hati / Ku ingin berpisah denganmu
Namun jangan aku yang memulainya / Kuingin dirimu yang salah

gee! don't you hate to see yourself that something you've been waitin' for so long turns out to be ... well, let's put it this way, that long-awaited thing is not really exactly what you wished it to be on the first place!

whatever it is, this is crazy.

what a cool Thursday midnight cum Friday early morning! breezing winds blowing through the windows in my room, passing through the densed air scattering glittering dust to create sparkle right under the bright light of fluorescent lamp ... again, it's just a test, another one, seems to be endless tests and trials before enough gust is gathered to proudly declare the birth of a long-awaited darling ...